and i’m saying goodnight

April 4, 2009 lon3lygirl

i’m a bit tired.. tired of crying because of what had happened early this evening.. i really cried so hard and i can’t find ways to stop my tears falling down into my eyes.. i really had enough.. i’m unsure with what kyxz do have for me, michael, that selfish jerk, i hate him for being like that and he’s the reason why i cried so hard.. paolo, a super assuming guy who believes that in the end, it was me and him! urgggh! i can’t find the right guy on their persona.. i was trying with kyxz.. but he’s so cold, i can’t feel he’s serious about me so i must play safe! if one day, i’ll be single again.. i should make it right! i should be happy about it not sticking with someone who’s not worth to have me at all. i’ve been single for almost 9months and i feel i’m still single now though i have someone to have but i can’t barely feel the commitment between us, i’m just trying to be nice at all. i love kyxz but if one day he decided to leave i’ll set him free with no hard feelings as joe d mango said, “don’t wave your hands with heavy heart.”  see? i’m learning!

i must not focus myself of being hurt someday but how happy i am once i have them in my life.. my statement about kyxz doesnt mean i don’t really love him, of course i love him with all my heart and with all my soul! actually i cry when i miss him, tears may fall when he’s really sweet to me but i don’t want to be like what i’ve been like before. if one day kyxz and i will go in a seperate way, i’ll be glad that once in my life i met someone like him but i must face the fact that there will come a time that even it feels so right and you feel he is destined for me, anytime of the day someone will take him away from me. so i just cherish every single moment i have with him, i stay away from arguments and fights. i let him feel how much i love him and how much i care for him. even i don’t bother to tell him, i understand everything about him, for who he is, the time he has for everyone and even he left only few moment for me, undeniably, i accept everything with all my might. it doesn’t mean i don’t love him, but if this is my way to show him how much i really love him, i might sacrifice but i hope its all worth it for him to realize and to appreciate it.

it is true that i’m really different with who i am now and who i am before when it comes to relationship. i used to be a demanding girlfriend. i demand for everything from time, to things and everything  i can demand for. now that i’ve been committed to kyxz who’s 5 years younger, i guess he’ll be soffocated if i demand too much of his time. if in a 24 hr basis, if he could only give 2hrs of his time all through out the day, then start to learn to understand it.

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